I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
