you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Also, beer. Big fan.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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