So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
