the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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