Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
