i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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