I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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