I met the friendliest cop last night
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I believe in your delicious
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
