Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
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