When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
