So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize