I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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