my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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