fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
