Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
