Swine flu. Run for my life!
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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