Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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