I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Let's get the cat blown out
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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