Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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