420 ftw
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
