you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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