hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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