You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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