the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
