I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize