Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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