Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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