Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
