dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
