babies were throwing up all over the place
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
