my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
