I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
