I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
