I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
