I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
