we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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