and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
your like the ambassador to my penis.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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