Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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