I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
