her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
