the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
