my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
