I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
