Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize