I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
