Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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