I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
