I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
