If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
