nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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