My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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