I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
