If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
