I puked a lego.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
