the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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