My sheets look like a crime scene.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You pole danced in your parka.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
