I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
