If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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