If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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